Hello, Internet! Cole here. This month, at the request of my beloved matriarch, I’ve decided to try an interesting exercise: I’m going to respond to random questions. Hopefully, my responses will provide insight as to how my brain works; if not, they should at least prove entertaining.
If man evolved from monkeys, how can there still be monkeys?
That’s actually very simple. In the future, all the monkeys we have now will become humans, and then they will develop a more advanced society than our own. This society will then face freezing death as the heat energy of the Earth escapes through a weakened atmosphere. In a last-ditch effort to save themselves, the future humans will send their strongest children back in time to 100,000 years in our past with a neurologically-implanted, subconscious drive to “warm the Earth”. That’s why we have global warming now: we’re saving the future humans from extinction.
For those interested in an actual explanation: humans and monkeys evolved from a common ancestor, just as modern dogs and wolves evolved from the same canine predecessor.
At a movie theater which armrest is yours?
No one knows. Scientists have tried to write computer algorithms to solve this question, but we are starting to believe that the problem might not be solvable in polynomial time. Theaters are trying to remedy this issue by altering the chair models, but no matter how the chairs are structured there is always one extra armrest that serves no purpose. As a result, we speculate that the theaters themselves might be non-Euclidean, but we have no way of proving this assertion.
In short: I’ll get back to you on that one.
Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Because that would require work, and why would you work if you can eat DoritosTM and drink fresh Mountain DewTM? (I’m totally not sponsored yo)
Can animals commit suicide?
Humans are animals.
Humans can commit suicide.
Therefore, animals can commit suicide.
Besides that, lemmings can commit suicide, provided that some helpful Disney executives are around to give them a little push.
Why doesn’t McDonalds serve hot dogs?
McDonalds has a specific role in America’s politico-economic system: it provides cheap, quick, non-hot-dog food to people who want to get food quickly and don’t want to eat hot dogs. If it were to add hot dogs to its lineup, it would disrupt its own niche and consequently the rest of society; anyone who wanted to eat at McDonalds would now have to deal with the existence of hot dogs on the menu, leading to civil unrest and corporate distrust that would eventually result in the collapse of our capitalist system and the rise of a communist dictatorship. Therefore, McDonalds continues to not sell hot dogs in order to defend our nation from societal collapse. Economist John Mustard Keynes said it best: “With a long bun, we are all dead.”
That’s all for now. If you like reading my answers as much as I like writing them, be sure to leave a comment telling me so; if I get enough of a positive response, I may write a follow-up article. Also, you can leave me questions if you’d like. Thanks for reading, Internet, and I’ll be seeing ya’!
Cole is our young adult monthly contributor. He is an incredible asset to all of us. He is in the IT program in Henrico County, has Asperger’s and is also an animal whisperer.