Marriage is hard. Relationships take work.
For those of us who have kids with special needs, there’s an added list of challenges to the ones that all couples endure. Statistics say our marriages are harder to make work, but I believe you can use anything as a reason to “fail.”
Any of us can choose to give up or feel sorry for ourselves. We can sit and cry over how unfair life isor we can take a deep breath and move forward.Parents of special needs children are strong, but we are more than just parents. We are superheroes, and our needs must be met, too.
As you read this, know that my husband, Mark, and I work hard to find a balance. We don’t always have great days, and we certainly know what stress is in our marriage, BUT we have also found a mutual respect and reached a delicate balance.
I am by no means a relationship expert, but as an expert of my daily experiences, I’ve have come up with a few tips to help couples stay strong in special-needs families. Here’s what I continue to practice in my own marriage.
- Make time for your spouse. I know this sounds so simple, but so many of us don’t. I have learned making time does not have to include anything fancy or last too long; it’s just time to be present with each other. Mark and I love to have tea together at night; we may not even speak to each other, but just being in the same room brings comfort.
- Acknowledge that you don’t have to like everything about your spouse everyday. Whew, that is a real one. And, guess what, your spouse probably doesn’t like everything about you. No big deal. But letting yourself embrace this can take a big burden off. When my hubby reads this, he will smile, and still (gently) remind me over and over not to leave a pile of dirt on the floor after I sweep. (Really? Who cares? I swept!)
- Accept that it’s okay to have different ways of doing things. Different thoughts can open up more opportunities for your child. Trust your partner! It isn’t a competition. Mark and I do not always have the same thoughts or opinions on discipline, best plans for school, medical treatments, etc. But we talk it out, weigh the options. Sometimes his way is better; other times it may be a combo.
- Remember that you are a team. Teams don’t always win, but they gain strength in working and learning together. Give up some control (oh, I know, this is a tough one!), and it will provide immediate relief!
- Share the responsibilities. You don’t have to do everything by yourself, and you shouldn’t do it all! Sharing the responsibilities allows you to have a break and also allows you to feel more like a team. When your partner tackles something, give him credit for the effort. Who cares if you could have done it better? You didn’t have to do it!
- Use your support system. You do have one. We have no family near us, so I still practice with asking my friends small things, like Can you take my son Marky to class (or to the party), so I can have a quick dinner with Mark?
Read the rest of my pointers in Parents Magazine, Special Needs Now.
This is one of 2 pieces I have written for Parents Magazine, I hope you find it helpful.