Birthdays for me, have always symbolized fun and have always been something I looked forward to every year. It was a joke in our house to see when I would start talking about it and how many plans I would want to make to celebrate, kind of like a kid, but I was a grown woman!
Something shifted for me last week. I was thinking about my approaching birthday and all of a sudden it hit me that I didn’t want to have one.
I don’t want to be a year older. I don’t want to deal with the reality that each year brings new fears for me and for our son with Autism.
I now feel this irrational need to want to freeze time. I cannot celebrate getting older, I need to stay as physically capable, as verbally able and as mentally present as I can be, for our son.
Now, a day that for 50 plus years that always brought me pleasure has become one that I feel dread and has become a bit of a burden.
Damn you, Autism. You took the joy of my birthday away.