It’s been a road of many emotions these last few weeks. It’s funny how they can go from sadness to anger to frustration to trying to find the joy, all in a minute.
First, we went to DMV to get a state-issued identification card as there isn’t going to be a permit or license now, so we will celebrate this. It didn’t go as planned – He asked over and over if he was getting his license. It made me sad to say, “not today “. We waited 90 minutes after getting a ticket to wait and being told we had all we needed, then getting to our window to find out we didn’t have the right info and are sent away. Such frustration and no empathy or understanding from anyone at DMV. It’s hard enough to wait at places like this but with a child that has special needs – it can be more challenging.
Note for future visits, I found this out on my return, you can request at the desk that priority access is given because of special needs. My advice is to bring proof as it will depend on the person you speak with. Very inconsistent.
On our second attempt, we did it. And he now has a REAL ID.
Next, we had a fee day at school. The second-year there without his sister and first without the friends who embraced him last year that now have graduated. Halls are full and excitement is in the air. Sharing of classes and teachers and plans for meeting afterward. Except I’m aware that he’s not seeking anyone out and no one is seeking or even seeing him there. He’s not sad. He’s not complaining, but I’m holding my breath. I’m so aware and feel so ready to run out. So I’m talking myself down. It’s not about me. I’m telling myself that it can be a wonderful thing that he’s not tapped into this, that it’s ok and he’s happy. I get through it, but I wish it were different.
I wish friends ran up to him and said they missed him. I wish he saw friends and said hello. But, it isn’t that way and my heart will survive it.
Sometimes his autism hurts me more than it hurts him.
My plan is to enjoy this holiday weekend and hold off on thinking about what next week holds. I know there will be plenty of time to figure that all out!
