I will premise this with; I don’t expect anyone to have any answers, I also am not looking for a pity party, (although, I may be having my own), but, it really does help me to share and feel a little less alone.
This school year has been a really tough one FOR ME! I know, I am not the one in school and it is not necessarily all about me, but I am feeling it all. As my son gets older in chronological age only, the difference is becoming so apparent. It gets harder for me to see school events, dances and parties happening all around us and knowing he is a not a part of it. I am sad that he misses this all. The newest challenge I am experiencing is watching all of his peers getting their driver permits. I don’t know how to correctly explain this, but maybe you will “get it”. I was never completely confident that he would drive, but, I think in my head, that meant ALL of his typical peers would not grow up either! ( Makes NO sense) I have pangs of envy for my friend’s children and his peers and I do not like it. I “know” better in my head but my heart is leading and it is hurting. I did not have these feelings when his sisters reached these milestones. It never felt like his turn would get here, and I was right -it is here, yet it isn’t. I want to work through as best as I can so that when dating, voting, graduation and so on; all enter our world, I may be able to feel less pain.
I would like to believe that my son doesn’t realize all that is happening, but, he is the boy that doesn’t yet have the ability to share these thoughts. He notices all going on, and maybe it is ok with him. I sure hope so. But, I wonder if he has these thoughts, and if he questions quietly, how and why he is not “the same”. I see his charm, his smile and his innate kindness . I wish he could be more connected and I hate that I cannot do more to make that happen.
Regardless of whether you have child with special needs, as parents, we never really know the challenges and struggles that may come our way. We work hard to provide our children with safety, structure, love and the tools to lead a successful life. When we hit road blocks, no matter what that road block is, it hurts us to know we may not be able to “fix” it.
I am experiencing this new pain of realizing the “fix” does not exist and it has been weighing me down. I am working through it and I do know what joy our son brings to so many, I just want to be sure he also has that joy given to him.
Here’s to all of us and knowing that together, through sharing, we KNOW we are not alone.